Shoveling a poorhouse path

I liked the way things were before electronic banking came into vogue. People kept their money safe in unconventional ways.

     I heard about one guy who left dozens of large coffee cans full of old silver half -dollars and dollars on the floor behind the air-conditioning vent of the house. After he passed, the kids accidentally came across the cans, which turned out to be a small fortune.

    I’ve heard about people who leave money in books so you have to go through all their volumes to find your inheritance.  

    Money is an interesting subject. For instance, you look around the liars’ table at the local coffee shop and there are six elderly grungy farmers all in ball caps and overalls. Anywhere else, they might look like a homeless lot. But the truth is three of those guys are millionaires. I love that notion.

    Since I’m something like 140 years old, I’ve had lots of experience with financial institutions of all sorts, especially the big, international banks. Some of the experiences have been great like when interest is provided into an account. Otherwise, many experiences have been disasters, which is why I advocate other ways to hang onto your money. After all, famous bank robber Willie Sutton said he robbed banks “because that's where the money is.” This is true. But I would amend that. Banks are where YOUR money is. (English instructors please forgive!)

   The big banks don’t own your money; they just act like they do.

   I have solutions to the problems of protecting your money in an age of electronic banking at large international institutions. Here are some scenarios and possible solutions:

  Problem:  You have decided to get in shape and plan to buy some exercise equipment. You’ll feel better about yourself. You are about to leave the house for your Saturday shopping spree with your favorite credit card. Coincidentally, the bank calls to ask if you recently purchased $1,000 in electronic equipment. Not yet, you say. They report that someone has unlawfully used your card and consequently you will get a new one in the mail. The bank says do not use your current card. They have cancelled it. Your Saturday is ruined and you are still fat. You never had a chance.

Solution: Save one thousand clams and put them in your socks in the sock drawer. If you have more than a thousand clams, buy more socks. You’ll be ready next time you plan to shape up.

 Problem: It’s a Sunday. You need $500 to buy pots and pans from a guy that showed up in the neighborhood claiming that he has brand new pots and pans to sell you that “fell off a truck”  and into his lap. These would be perfect gifts for Christmas and would get you out of the doghouse you’ve been in with your spouse. You go to the ATM. The ATM won’t let you get more than $200. Later you learn you signed an agreement with the bank about this daily limitation. A lot of good that does you on Sunday. You can’t get your money so instead of pots and pans, your spouse gets cheap pearls for Christmas. You remain in the doghouse.

Solution: Take your money out of the bank. Take the metal cookie tin and put your money in it and bury it in the backyard near the oak tree all the male dogs use as they pass through. Keep a shovel in your truck. Next time a deal comes into the neighborhood you’ll be ready.

Problem: Your mother-in-law surprises you and comes over for Sunday dinner. This was not part of your weekend plan what with baseball and football games on TV and interesting news on QVC which is selling neat can openers for virtually nothing. Your mother-in-law hints that she sure could use the money she loaned you ten years ago when you married her daughter and needed cash for that stylish honeymoon in Salina. You can’t get to the ATM because the car won’t start and you haven’t fixed it since you lost your job and then you got into that fight with your ex-boss and busted his nose, which means you have a court appearance pending Monday. You don’t wish to share any of this with said mother-in-law since she already thinks you are a lowdown loser and her daughter’s biggest mistake.

Solution: Take your money out of the bank. In the future, fold your cash and put it into one of those plastic baggies and place it in the freezer underneath the box of frozen cauliflower that’s been there since 1998. No one will touch that stuff, so your dough is safe and won’t burn up in the event of a fire. Even if you can’t pay off your mother-in-law completely, she’ll appreciate the appearance of any greenbacks and your reputation as a lowdown loser is neither better nor worse.

Problem: You awaken at four in the morning because you remember the date and why it seemed so familiar. It’s your anniversary and you haven’t bought a gift. You have shared your ATM card with your spouse and despite an hour of searching the house in the dark, you can’t find it. If you had some cash, you could stealthily drive over to the all-night drugstore and purchase a plastic rose, some M&Ms, and because you are a big spender, a paperback romance novel. But you have no cash and you remain awake the rest of the night worrying about your fate when you confront your Missus in the morning empty-handed.

Solution: Take your money out of the bank. Keep your cash under the bed inside a loose floorboard. You can’t put the cash under the pillow. There’s no room. That’s where you already keep your sidearm and your shotgun, your social security card, all the passwords you need to get to all your electronic accounts, and your old girl friends’ letters you can’t seem to part with.

   The solution to lack of access to your cash is quite simple. In order to insure your fortune, spend all your dough. Have a good time. Save nothing. Spend every stinking penny. Your family will put you into one of those rehab centers under an alias to be treated for your nerves. You will be safe. Someone else will make your bed. And since you are broke, people will ignore you. Especially Internet creeps. You can bank on it.

    Or go down to your local small town bank. Visit with a banker. During the conversation break down into tears. Tell the banker you are terrified that your savings account of $128.56 is going to be stolen by Internet banditos and you have decided to take your fortune out of the bank and bury it in the backyard in order to preserve it. Cry a lot. Then listen. Let the banker talk sense into you. The banker will tell you not to read newspaper columns or watch TV about money. What do those idiots know? They are the last places to get financial information. Take the advice. Just to make you feel better, the banker will offer you a free umbrella or the bank’s ball cap. Take the cap. Wear it out of the bank. Join the old farmers at the liars’ table at your local coffee shop. Get some overalls. Keep everyone guessing. Have a nice day.