Drive down any road in Kansas
Living in another state for some
years, I have missed this uniquely civil act. It is not practiced in large
cities, aboard ships or planes, or in outer space. Finger-winking is mostly a
rural practice and is especially well done by Kansans.
I would drive down a road and expertly leave the heel of my hand on the
wheel while offering a five-finger-wink to a total stranger passing by in
another car, a message that all is safe, hello, how are ya?, yeah you can
borrow a quarter if you need one, or get help with your flat and I would share
lunch with you if I had some.
I have finger-winked elsewhere but few people in other states
finger-wink back, so it is good to return to finger-winking country, where a
simple finger-wink can make your day.
Finger-winking comes in all forms. There is the lazy wink, a
one-fingered lift off the steering wheel that simply indicates that I see you
and all is well here. It is also an admission that I’m far too lazy to help you
in the event you need assistance, though I may call AAA for you or your creepy
brother-in-law if you eventually ask nicely.
The two-fingered-wink is a little bit more assertive and indicates I’d
probably loan you a buck if you needed one, but don’t ask twice. The two-finger-wink
uses the same fingers as the peace sign or the Victory sign, so it is good to attempt
in all strange cities and roads the world over, especially in places like
Brooklyn or Lawrence, but it probably won’t get you anywhere in those strange
places.
The three-fingered-wink is difficult to accomplish since it’s hard to
keep the hand on the wheel while saluting with three fingers. Try it. (I told
you so.) The three-fingered- wink requires much dexterity and practice. In
fact, the three-fingered-wink is so complex to perform I caution finger-winkers
to forgo the three-some. First of all, I can’t imagine what a three-fingered-wink
could mean, except “I speak foreign languages;” since it is so difficult a
maneuver I suspect it may be illegal in some counties. I’d check with a Kansas State
Trooper before trying this.
The four-fingered-wink is probably the easiest since the thumb can
remain on the steering wheel while all four fingers can be lifted at the same
time while keeping control of the wheel. The four-fingered-wink means a
multitude of things, in my view: Hi, I like you so much I’m inviting you to
Christmas brunch; and, sure you can borrow this car if you don’t mind driving a
piece of junk; of course, I’ll take your dog over Spring Break (but no, not
your kids); and yes, I will help in the event your piece of junk breaks down.
And then there is the full five-fingered-wink. This is the all-out bells
and whistles version of hello, how are ya? I am a happy camper and hope you are
too, good morning, good day,
The thing about finger-winking is that women don’t seem to participate.
I can’t recall a single incident of female finger-winking. I suspect many won’t participate because they
interpret finger-winking as a form of flirting and since they don’t carry
pepper spray in their car they can’t be bothered. Women who pack heat, on the
other hand, say a .357 Magnum or an AK-47 machine gun, wouldn’t worry about
participating in winking. I don’t necessarily advocate more guns on the road,
but if that’s what it would take to get more women to participate, let’s do it.
The more finger-winkers the better. Also, teen finger-winkers are few and far
between. The only excuse for teens not finger-winking is their tiny brains. In
fact, I’m not sure at what age finger-winking becomes part of one’s lifestyle.
I think it happens gradually as you get finger-winked so many times on the road
that you eventually feel obliged to participate.
Now some folks don’t have all their fingers or they are missing digits.
My brother-in-law, for instance, is missing a few digits and not just on his
fingers, if you get my drift. Anyway,
his digit is missing on what I recall is the bad, bad middle finger, the one
known internationally in all languages and will get you in Dutch at church if
you use the thing too much. He lost it years ago at a McPherson factory.
There is some use for such digit-deficit fingers. Instead of whole
numbered finger-winks, a missing digit offers the user a modification, sort of
how the minus or plus is used in the grading system. So driving down the road, my brother-in-law
might send you a two-and-a-half digit wink, which means I look OK, I seem
alright, but I’m really not; I may be a politician or a door-to-door salesman
or both. Beware! Caution! Do not Approach!
Whatever you do, always finger-wink law enforcement, but be careful. If
your finger somehow slips and you send the wrong message you may find yourself up
against your car being searched, cuffed and spending the night in a musty jail
eating dry cheese sandwiches and greenish jello.
I don’t know if it’s a legal violation to shoot law enforcement the
bird, but there’s no way to explain it once the deed is done.
In fact, bird flipping is not an approved part of finger-winking. The
manual states that quite clearly. It also states one is never to finger-wink
while drinking or when extremely tired. Finger-winking is only for sober,
mentally alert drivers.
You should practice all the winking signs that are clearly displayed in
the rear of the finger-winking manual. Remember, practice makes perfect. Be
patient. You want to master these signs before trying them out for real. I
would suggest calling in sick and spending the day finger-winking in a mirror.
It certainly beats work and you’ve probably got more sick days then you can
count. Invite a friend over, offer him or her skimmed milk and cookies, and
practice together until these signs are mastered. Then apply for your National
Finger-winking Certificate using the form in the rear of the manual. Get a nice
frame and post it on your wall.
In the meantime, good luck, and—see you on the road.
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