Elect me, please, please, please!

Seeing as it is the political season, it’s time for me to share with you my platform for election. In a turnabout that should please you, after reading my platform you have the choice of electing me to any position you deem appropriate.

   If elected, I will urge Tyson Foods not to provide political funding to any candidate. Instead, give out free chickens, thereby finally making true Herbert Hoover’s pledge in 1928 that if elected, there will be a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage. After he was elected, the stock market crashed. So much for lies.

    I would urge General Motors to make the same gesture and give everyone a car, but we’ve already bailed them out once.

     If elected, I will not lie. I may fib, exaggerate, and or, fantasize. I will not lie, but I urge you to keep an eye on me. Telling you you’re not fat is a statement for your own good. It’s not technically a lie. Just think like a politician. Say one thing and either say nothing at all, or mean the opposite of what you say. I may make such statements without penalty. But I will not lie. I promise.

    By the way, have you lost weight? I also like your hair. I swear.

    I pledge that there is nothing in my background that will keep me from serving, no lap dances, no naughty girl friends, no bribes, and no influence peddling. In other words, you don’t have to investigate my background since I’m telling you straight I’ve been a good boy. Don’t have to check. Please don’t. Please.

    Pretty please.

    Oh, that bit in Great Bend in 1985? It was nothing. Trust me. Way overblown. Anyway, I’m sure that sheriff is way dead by now.

    And those women from New Jersey whose car stalled in Hutchinson in 1978? Don’t listen to a word they say. It wasn’t like they claim, especially the blonde one with the purple streak. What was her name Monica, Mary Lou, Magdalena, something like that. Big old liar, pants on fire! Please, you can’t believe women from New Jersey, for crying out loud. It’s New Jersey!

    If elected, everyone gets their lawn mowed. How? See those guys sitting around the jail playing Scrabble and buffing their nails. No way. Once in office, nobody gets a free ride. You go to jail, it will be just like going to work. Once mowing season is over, snow removal. No cocoa for these characters either. Don’t be soft on them. You want to see tough, elect me.

    I will urge Congress to have a national Crock Pot day every October 1. Labor Day is over, which means the swimming season is complete. By Oct. 1, we’re getting a bit restless. In a bid to decrease crime, put a roast in a Crock Pot. Then go to your neighbor’s house, introduce yourself and leave the food. If they don’t need it, invite yourself to dinner and share a meal with them. Don’t talk religion or politics, although saying grace is fine and saying stuff like God Bless America is OK under all circumstances. Get to know them. They’re your neighbors. Quit hiding out watching talking heads on the tube. We are more than our political tags.

     If elected, all dogs will be adopted. Cats too. Everyone will be required to raise a varmint. You will be forced by law to go to the pound and adopt a critter. Sounds bad now, but once you get these critters home they will grow on you. They also contribute to your mental health. Trust me.

   If elected, I will work to provide you free medical care and college tuition.  There are two requirements. In order to get free medical care you can’t go around eating deep fried Twinkies and such. In order to get free college, you have to maintain a C+, which a recent president achieved and look where it got him.

    Everyone will pay taxes, say 10 percent across the board. If you make $15,000 per year, you pay $1,500. If you make $150,000 per year you pay $15,000. If you don’t like that, lump it. Vote for somebody else. I chose 10 percent because the math is easy and I only do easy math.

    If elected, I will outlaw political commercials. In fact, the entire election cycle will be changed. Every candidate will have to participate in three debates with no one to monitor events. It’s just you and your opponent up there and one televised hour. This will require diplomacy and compromise. If you can’t run a debate properly on your own, you won’t do well in office. If you want to act like a horse’s backside, go ahead. Let the people see the real you.

   Everyone under 21 will be required to get a library card. If you don’t read by the age of 21, you are a lost cause.

   If elected, I will outlaw the color yellow.

   If elected, I would urge all citizens to serve in national service for a minimum of two years by the age of 25. You will learn how to make a bed, fold socks and how to spit shine your shoes. These are skills that are useful throughout life.

   If elected, I will outlaw gifts to politicians. All gifts. Not a nickel. Not a penny. You don’t need gifts when you are representing the people. You can eat constituent cake, that’s it. Pound cake. A little lemon glaze on top will be OK. Spongy. No other gifts are allowed. Maybe apple pie. And cherry. But that’s all . No gifts. I mean it!

    If elected, I will encourage Wheaties to drop athletes from their cereal boxes and replace them with pictures and stories of great teachers or inspiring moms or dads. I will also encourage them to pay teachers or moms and dads who appear on their boxes as they do their athletes.

   If elected, I will encourage outlawing ties, Hawaiian shirts and the letter Q. We have K, therefore we can do without Q.

   If elected, I will insist that all electronic products come with free lessons at the store of purchase. There’s no point in buying cameras, I-pads, smart phones, or laptops without proper lessons. Additionally, cable companies will be compelled, by law, not to leave a customer’s house without setting up the TV, the DVD player, and yes, the VCR, and instruct the customer on uses for each. The instruction will take as long as it takes.

   If elected, I will pass legislation to ban all overseas call centers. No longer can American-based companies hire foreigners to answer inquiries from Americans. These operators jibber-jabber as though they are high on heroin. They speak horrible English.

    Speaking of communication, I will pass legislation that says when calling a business, you begin receiving cash for every minute you spend waiting on the phone. After three minutes of silence, you begin to receive $1.25 per minute. Think of the phone the way a Taxi cab meter goes on and on. If they are going to disrespect you and waste your time, they might as well pay for it.

   If elected, I will outlaw suede, velvet paintings, and all highway billboards. It’s enough we have to endure commercials on television. We shouldn’t have to be besieged by the stuff along the roads and highways.

   If elected, teachers and first responders could receive retirement benefits at 55. They know why.

   If elected, I will pass legislation limiting my tenure to no more than four years, with the option of cancelling this law in the third year. (That will be in the fine print you never read.)

    My name is Roger Verdon and I approve these messages. Most of them, anyway.