I have decided to pursue a new
career as a TV expert.
You might have noticed that television talk shows have now adopted a
five-person forum for any and all subjects. There is the host and four experts
who comment on the news of the day. These folks are so smart it doesn’t matter
whether the conversation is about the Ebola outbreak in the world or how to
remove stains from silky shirts. These folks are the ones to call.
Some folks seem to have their own place in the TV expert world. I’ve
seen Sen. John McCain on so many programs, I have wondered from time to time if
he isn’t really the president while that Barack guy is merely a placeholder.
McCain will answer any question put to him.
Being a TV expert would offer a number of adventures. Surely they will
gain huge amounts of weight since many of these shows now offer a table full of
pastries no one seems to eat. I would not only eat the pastries between my
talking ditties, I’d bring an extra bag to take the leftovers home. These are
tough times and pastries should never be wasted. A country that wastes pastries
is a country on the decline. Take it from me. The Expert.
I am struck mostly by the range of information and opinions these TV experts
seem to possess. I’m an honors graduate of a small college (so small we could
not afford school colors!), and I know a lot (if I say so myself), enough to
convince some people I know more than I really do, which makes me, according to
Webster’s Dictionary, a blowhard, which is the best definition I’ve found of a newspaper
columnist. And yet it’s a little difficult to be an expert in national
politics, while also being a competent observer of military maneuvers in
Botswana, understanding the range of reality shows starring little people, as
well as race relations in Boston, knowing who is the best Scrabble player on
the U.S. Supreme Court, being able to quote oil prices nationwide, and have an
in-depth knowledge of the better brands of mustard.
I don’t know how much these so-called experts earn per show, but I
suspect they are paid by the number of words they speak, since everyone speaks
at the same time.
We don’t really know these TV people’s true expertise because they are
introduced swiftly and innocuously, meaning in a manner that is uninteresting, not stimulating, nor significant.
For example, the host will say, “I’d like to welcome Dr. Martin
Leatherbrain from Louisiana
State University
“Also, welcome to Ian Everwhite, whose background in race relations is
so extensive he changed his name to represent his expertise. He is here today
to discuss the national debt and the decline of film parts starring Richard
Gere. Mr. Everwhite once met a former girlfriend of Mr. Gere’s and actually met
the actor himself at a cocktail party.”
The host continues, “I would also like to welcome our longtime colleague
Amy Wormwood, a political strategist whose new book, “Where Am I and Why Am I
Here?” hits the bookshelves Monday.
“Finally, a very special welcome to Senator John McCain, who is here on
short notice since our scheduled guest, Racebaiter Johnson, was apparently
arrested by federal authorities as he crossed the state line en route to our
studio this morning. I don’t know what charges Racebaiter faces, but I have scheduled
an appearance by him next week, which should make for an exciting show.”
The host generally is as mysterious as the guests. There is no bio of
these people. They could all be residents of the Witness Protection Program,
for all we know, but they are always ready to explore any subject on the face
of the earth.
The last humans able to discuss any and all subjects were folks like
Socrates and Aristotle and Donald Trump, although I meant they were able to
discuss things intelligently, so knock off that last name. And yet, even smart
experts like Aristotle would not do well on modern television, which operates according
to the clock. I can imagine the chatty host addressing Aristotle: “OK, Ari, before
we go to break. What exactly is the meaning of life? We have twenty seconds.”
The only expert whose qualifications are readily understandable and
somewhat believable are the guests who show up in jungle hats and goofy shorts
from zoos around the country. They appear with huge snakes across their necks
or holding a mongoose or tiny bears. We assume they know something about
animals because they are dressed for the part and they’ve not been killed even though
a lethal animal is hugging their leg.
Most other TV experts all have the same dress code. The men show up in
suits as if they are about to attend a job interview and the women look like
they are off to church once they have finished yapping in the studio. Oddly
enough, you might see the same experts on various shows on the same day, which
only means they are sending their children to fancy schools and need the extra
cash.
I don’t begrudge anyone a job. But these so-called experts have had
their time and have made little difference in the national discourse. They
don’t process information. They more or less mumble facts that don’t make any
sense whatsoever and rarely present a cogent argument pro or con. In fact, these
talking heads on all sides have accomplished nothing but mucking up the gears
of democracy so deeply, the country is split down the middle. It’s time to
change the formats.
If you’re not going to employ
experts, then employ regular people. They’re entitled to have an opinion and
since expertise is really beside the point, then open up the show so the rest
of us can shoot off our mouths. I
realize this is what the Internet offers. But it’s always nice to match a face
with an opinion.
Regular people have as much a right as anyone to sound silly and look
stupid on television. You don’t have to be an expert.
Obviously, I need to buy some new ties.
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