Rest your eyes, save America!

There are two ways to improve America’s economy.

The first way is to establish the nap in the workplace. I know, I know. Herbert, your co-worker snores. Or Sabetha, the cute one, drools. Or Oscar, the fat one, talks in his sleep and since he’s Serbian no one can understand the words. You have learned these incredibly interesting facts over the years by listening to people at lunch or being around them when they unofficially napped while the boss was gone.

    Let’s face it. You nap anyway. There’s no human on earth who has never nodded off at a meeting, in front of a computer, or even while awaiting a lucrative sale in front of the ladies shoe counter while Mrs. Highbottom decides which of the twenty boxes on the floor she intends to take home.

    And by the way, when Mrs. Highbottom hits the road with her new shoes, believe me, she’s heading home for a quick nap.

    If Americans want to beat the Russkies or the Chinese at world economic domination, more work isn’t the answer. Better work is the answer.

   I would begin by asking job candidates at their interview whether they sleep at work. If one of them says yes, either that candidate’s a dunce or an incredibly thoughtful person who simply cannot tell a lie. Hire the dude or dudette immediately.

   A nap is a quick 20-minute to a half-hour escape from work. You rest your brain.

    Installing naps into your company’s list of perks also offers a new way to honor good workers. Instead of giving them cheap watches that fall apart in a month, you can give them new firm pillows to use at work. The pillowcase is optional unless you want to put the company logo on it, that way the employee can be further programmed about the company even during sleep.

    Do you really think those Kansas State Troopers are watching you speed down the highway when they are parked in the median of the road? Please. They are taking a snooze. And good for them. Shooting bad guys requires an alert lawman. Take a nap there, Sheriff Bubba, and rest up for the real big events. I approve.

   Like many workers, State Troopers carry a significant burden. They are loaded up with guns, ammo, pepper spray, vest, clubs, lip gloss, nail clippers, jellybeans, hand mirror, and that silly hat, which all add up to big-time weight. Try to carry all that stuff around every day and you’ll need a snooze most afternoons.

    Anyway, a nap would do wonders for your boss, especially if he or she is one of those maniacal power brokers who spend their days trying to make your life more miserable than it need be. Even if a nap only takes a little bestiality out of the boss, then the time used is not wasted.

    And since you’ve napped as well, you’re strong enough to continue taking the boss’s awful abuse.

    By the way, wouldn’t it be great if there were a public shame spot on the internet where all bad bosses could be exposed for what rotten bums they are? Why should you spend half your life being abused when a little exposure on line could alert other higher-ups in your company about how cruel and small some supervisors are? Power does corrupt, you see, and many of us simply don’t know how to use the authority we suddenly receive.

    The second way to help America’s economy is by adopting official mental health days into your company’s list of perks. Say three days per year. This gives you permission to call up the boss, tell him/her exactly what you think of him/her—screaming is optional—and informing the company that you are taking a mental health day tomorrow and if they don’t like it they can lump it. This action provides two things: it proves beyond measure that you are a bit of a wacko in the mental department, which gives you official cover for your outburst, and secondly, allows you to do openly what you do secretly—get tired of working and staying home by calling in sick. Official Mental Health Days relieve workers and relieve co-workers of having to be around a person who is burning out or burning up. People who are rested and happy rarely purchase oversized firearms and bring them to work. They would rather bring in a pillow to rest their weary head during naptime.

    Work naps will help unemployment as well. Companies will have to hire sleep monitors who can read workers to sleep, using nursery tales, Biblical verses, or better yet, have them read the boss’s pointless memos. That ought to accelerate naps big time.

   For example, consider this boss’s note: Happy Holidays. We have changed the holiday turkey give-away. Instead of picking up a turkey and seeing me dressed up in the company’s bird outfit, employees will now receive a coupon for a free turkey in their mailboxes. You will have to show identification to the mailroom before your coupon is released and please sign the form provided. Please pick up the coupons Friday between 2:27 pm and 3:34 pm, so as not to interrupt the workday anymore than is necessary.  If you have any objections—religious, political or social—to turkeys, please see Miss Wescott in HR. I believe she has some chicken coupons as substitutes. She will be leaving early Friday for a convention, so please let her know ASAP, or, as soon as possible. I would like to thank the members of the Turkey Committee for their hard work in establishing this year’s turkey give-away. You know who you are.

     I would humbly suggest cutting this column from your paper and secretly place it on your boss’s desk, or under his or her windshield wiper. Put a Hershey’s Kiss next to it. Next time you come in contact with your boss, just yawn and excuse yourself. Before you leave, say something inappropriate, but say it as if it were a mistake, like a twitch or an involuntary outburst—like you’re a little nuts. It will get the boss thinking, which, in my experience, is progress. 

    Since I am unemployed, I get a mental health day every day, as well as a nap. Yet, hitting all these keys on my keyboard is just exhausting. I’m going to take a nap now. Later I’m getting my monthly pedicure and manicure. I need to rest up for that. I’ll need to go through the mail later, which is tedious and dangerous since the letter opener is a sharp object and then there are the possibilities of papers cuts, which can be very dirty and toxic. Afterwards, someone might want to come over for tea or coffee, which takes tolerance and good judgment on my part. Then I have to entertain them and I probably don’t like them in the first place. Just thinking about all this is exhausting. Maybe I need to find a job.  I wonder if the State Troopers take old guys. Just a thought.