Find familiar faces to beg for bucks

Have not received my government check, which means it’s time to send out notes appealing for big bucks.

   Dear Uncle Bill: Just a quick note expressing need and want of a huge favor. As my last living relative, except for my sister, Donna, who is a cheapskate, I wondered if I could prevail upon you to consider getting me out of the poor house. I realize neither one of us is working presently, but you haven’t worked in what is it, say 30-40 years? You haven’t lifted a finger in all that time. How do you do that? How is that even possible? Maybe the government would like to ask you the same question. Anyway, I was recalling that day at your old house up in the Catskill Mountains, yeah, during the storm. I was just a kid. Remember, I was outside on top of the side roof and you reached out and grabbed me off there like I was a sack of potatoes and pulled me inside the bathroom window, screaming at me all the while? I’m positive several people witnessed that incident. Sure, I escaped the fire-breathing lightning, but you’ve got to admit you do that child abuse these days and with a sharply dressed lawyer I could own your whole operation, whatever operation it is. So just send me enough to get by the next few months and I’ll forget I even know you.

Your nephew, Roger

    Dear Donna: Just a quick note expressing need and want of a huge favor. As my last living relative, except for our Uncle Bill, who is a cheapskate, I wondered if I could impose upon you to share a bit of your vast wealth. And no, I don’t need bail money again! Anyway, remember that time that little disgusting pervert with green teeth was following you and Sheila Farley, and I swooped in like some sort of caped crusader and belted him in the center of his ugly tummy and he folded like a suitcase, remember that? A good bodyguard these days would get big bucks for a job like that, and I was only seven years old. All I’m asking is that you share the wealth a little bit since the government hasn’t come through for me and the cupboard’s about as bare as my wallet. Maybe you can ask your lazy husband, my brother-in-law, to get off the couch, drop by an ATM, and send a few bucks to tide me over until next winter. Tell him I’m planning to visit again. Maybe that will motivate him.

Your brother, Roger

    Dear Barney:

Just a quick note expressing need and want of a huge favor. As my last living friend, who is not a world-class cheapskate like my uncle and my sister, I was hoping you could recall the many times you ate dinner at my house after your folks tossed you out. Remember those festive nights of tuna fish sandwiches and Campbell’s tomato soup? What childhood memories we share. You came along and mom just felt sorry for you and stuck us with soup and sandwiches. Anyway, I thought it was only fair to ask if you could see your way to send some of that dough you made from your last job, you know, the one that was in the newspaper. I know that was you. Don’t deny it. Who else would drag a cash register through the streets at 5 am? Hey, I remember giving you that idea. So I’m not asking for much, just enough to get me through the winter and into next spring. I’m tired of eating tuna and red soup all over again. And I’m having awful flashbacks.

Your last living friend, Roger