Clarifying the wants from the needs

I didn’t need anything for Christmas, but here’s what I wanted.

I wanted a three-car garage, two bays for the cars and one bay for the indoor swimming pool. That way I can swim all year. What do you think that might cost? Maybe $30,000? More?

   This is why I buy Lottery tickets every week. I started buying lottery tickets way back when Dillons still rented VCR boxes and the lottery had just begun. We’ve all heard the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. That’s what the lottery represents, but I buy into the saying that if you don’t play you can’t win. The brother-in-law always asks me to pick him up a ticket when the money overflows $300 million then he never gives me a dollar for the ticket. Something’s wrong here and I’m anticipating a nightmare of lawyers when he wins the darn thing with a ticket for which he still owes me a dollar; I have my eye on a particularly scheming lawyer to argue my end of the deal.

    I wanted an old red Ford truck. Old. I mean really old. With an engine that would scare a state trooper.  Don’t need it, but I wanted it.

    I wanted another chocolate Lab to keep me company although the daughter reminds me that animals are a commitment of one or two decades and then she reminds me of my mortality, which is like hearing about a rerun of some sort of terrifying horror show. Still, I want a Lab. Don’t need one, but I want one. Didn’t get one. That would have been free, although once they are off the showroom floor there’s the food, the treats, the toys, the fluffy bed, the vet shots, the leash, etc., not to mention the rug cleaner for the inevitable training days, which is how God tests our true love of animals. If you can get past this training without losing too many pairs of shoes or your patience, you’re halfway on your way to heaven.

    I wanted a new car. Don’t need it. The Japanese vehicle I’ve driven since 2011 still works well and keeps me in business. Still looks pretty. Wanted an update though, so that’s about $25,000, although the car I actually want costs $65,000. This car has heated front and back seats along with a heated steering wheel. I mean a heated steering wheel. C’mon folks, that’s why we’re all Americans, right? Don’t need it, but I want it.

    I wanted a paying job. Don’t need one, but I want one. An interesting professional situation, where people start your name with Mister or Professor and someone takes you to lunch at the local private club where all the service people know your name. I like a job where you can go in late and leave early, that pays well and that allows booze displayed on top of the desk even though I wouldn’t imbibe. I like an office that resembles a Mad Men set, although their clothes are atrocious. I like a job that allows sweats and ball caps, but inside where it remains cool or warm depending on the season. No outdoors work for me. I am not motivated by calluses.

    I wanted a new computer with a huge screen, but I don’t need one. I imagined a screen the size of a wall, make everything huge. Didn’t get it and don’t need it.

    I wanted an apartment on Chicago’s Gold Coast to be near the daughter various times throughout the year, but I don’t need an apartment. I can stay with her. Still, I want a pretty view of Lake Michigan. Don’t need it, but I want it. Staying at her apartment means sharing a bed with the cat. That is not my idea of a vacation.

     I wanted the usual peace in the world and health for everyone, but I can’t say I will ever get it. There is a young woman I’ve known all her life who is gripped with cancer, but is not defeated, even after years of illness. I admire her strength, her fortitude and her will. I wish I had a piece of her will power, just a teeny tiny piece and I would be a different human from the one I am.

    I wanted one of those three-wheeled motorcycles with all the chrome and do-dads. This would be an excuse to wear leather and to wear that silly German helmet with the spike on the top. Don’t need one of these vehicles, but I wanted one. Maybe red, with lots of leather satchels to carry all my important bike stuff. This would also be my reasonable excuse to finally let my hair grow into a pony tail, with tattoos not too far behind. Once I had enough hair for a ponytail I would comb it all forward to cover up the vacant lot up there. Speaking of which, I wanted a hair job, although I don’t need one. Bald men fascinate women. Ask them. I’m not joking. Would I kid you?

     I realize I really want a four-bay garage, one bay to house my rock ‘n’ roll band. Oh yeah, I want a rock ‘n’ roll band. Didn’t I say that before? Don’t need one, but I want one. Where else can a very bad drummer show off a lack of skills?

    Of all the seven deadly sins—wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony—

my list embraces most of them. Not a good way to start the New Year. Don’t need to pick up lots of bad karma. Draws attention to yourself. Not a good idea.

    Better to be safe than sorry.

    What I meant to say is that I’m happy as a pig in mud, got everything I need and I feel like the luckiest guy in the world. Don’t even want karma, good or bad. Keep it. Go on. Keep it all.

    Forget I mentioned anything.

    Never mind.

   Good day and good night.

    I’m not even here.

    Remember, you never even saw me.